What Do You Need From the Team You Lead

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One of my favorite quotes on leadership comes from Margaret Thatcher: “Being a leader is like being a lady. If you have to tell people you are one, you probably aren’t.”

I’ve worked with people who regularly reminded their direct reports who the leader was. I always thought this was senseless because they were already the leader. Did they think everyone else forgot? When you feel compelled to remind everyone else that you’re the leader, it sounds more like you’re trying to convince yourself.

I’ve worked with others who just led, and everyone else just followed. They had the greatest influence, though they weren’t the smartest, the loudest or the most dominant. Sometimes they even had the title to go with it, but not always.

This is an example of how leadership behavior can expose the nature of leadership identity. What would motivate someone to consistently advertise his/her organizational authority? It could be a host of reasons, but a likely one is that his/her leadership identity is built around recognition and affirmation of others.

To say it plainly, some leaders base their leadership identity on the responses of those they lead.

“They had the greatest influence, though they weren’t the smartest, the loudest or the most dominant.”

And Your Point Is...?

When it comes to leadership, you can't authentically influence someone when you also need something from them.

So What?

It’s the same dynamic that's in play with codependency: It's dysfunctional to be in a relationship where you give something to someone to justify your need for getting something from them. It also shows up in parenting: It’s hard to develop children into adults when you also depend upon their affirmation.

Depending upon our team’s affirmation to define our leadership identity is an example of what I call an “Outside-In” approach, where we rely on the circumstances and relationships in our external environment to shape our internal leadership identity.

“It’s dysfunctional to be in a relationship where you give something to someone to justify your need for getting something from them.”

The opposite, more effective approach is “Inside-Out.” Being clear on our leadership identity—who are and who we want to be as a leader—positions us to genuinely influence them. It’s not about what we can get from them, it’s about what we can provide for their benefit.

The Big Picture

This Inside-Out approach supports the identity of servant leadership, where we lead with our teams’ interests and well-being in mind rather than our own. It’s not an identity we quickly or easily embrace. But it’s counter-intuitive, and it’s the most effective and influential identity a leader can have because it operates exclusively Inside-Out.

“It’s not about what we can get from them, it’s about what we can provide for their benefit.”

Your Next Step

Take some time at the end of each work week to reflect on how you interacted with your team, and take note of any time you become aware of needing affirmation from your team to feel better about yourself—whether you got the affirmation or not.

“It’s counter-intuitive, and it’s the most effective and influential identity a leader can have.”

Looking For a Resource?

10 Reasons We Don’t Get Better as Leaders

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Leadership is a challenge. If it was easier, we’d all be great leaders. So why is it so hard to step up to the challenge and get better? Great question.

This is where a proverb from the Navy SEALs gives us some insight:

“In a crisis, you don’t rise to the occasion.
You sink to the level of your training.”

In a leadership crisis, we can only be as effective as we’ve intentionally prepared ourselves to be. But the reality is, most of us haven’t developed our leadership behaviors. We just go with whatever comes naturally, and hope that we can somehow, magically, rise to the occasion.

I’ve identified 10 challenges we must train through to get better as leaders. I’ve listed these challenges as “Levels”—think of these as floors that you reach by riding in an elevator. The elevator stops at each floor, and you can’t move up until you’ve trained through the challenge on that level. If you decide not to train yourself to overcome a specific challenge, that’s where your development—and your leadership effectiveness—will stop.

Level 1 – Mindset

This is the ground floor, where the challenge is embracing the mindset that getting better as a leader is normal and possible. To get beyond this level, you have to actually believe that there is leadership competency that you’re leaving on the table if you don’t choose to develop—and this has to bother you. If you don’t believe this (and if it doesn’t bother you), then get comfortable in the lobby because you’ll never even get on the elevator.

“You have to actually believe that there is leadership competency that you’re leaving on the table.”

Level 2 – Complacency

The level above the lobby is where we deal with indifference. After all, development takes effort. If there’s no urgency to become the best leader you can be, then you’ll avoid the effort to objectively assess yourself to learn how you might improve. You’ll not discipline yourself to read and reflect, or develop the transparency to pursue mentoring or coaching. You’ll settle for the results that come from operating at level 2.

Level 3 – Poverty of Time

After complacency comes the management of your bandwidth for development. Everyone’s under pressure to do more with less in today’s marketplace. But when we don’t set aside focused time and energy to develop, we simply don’t improve.

In truth, poverty of time isn’t a reason for a lack of development as much as it’s a symptom—a result of a lack of urgency and/or priority. More to the point, it’s an excuse.

So do you aspire to improve? If you do, you’ll create at least some margin for it and move on to the next level.

“Poverty of time isn’t a reason for a lack of development as much as it’s a symptom.”

Level 4 – Positional Authority

It’s easy to mistake the use of positional authority as leadership because it’s so easy to leverage our position in the org chart to get people to comply with our direction. After all, title is not a leadership competency.

Consider this: How would you influence people if you didn’t outrank them? What if the only leverage you had was the relational capital you’ve invested in them to earn their trust and respect?

When we use our positional authority muscles, our relational competency and emotional intelligence muscles atrophy. Want to stay stuck at Level 5? Then keep exercising your positional authority. Want to be genuinely effective as a leader? Let positional authority go and work on building relationships.

After all, everyone already knows you have the title; reminding them won’t help you.

Once you train yourself to move away from using positional authority, you’ll be ready to move to Level 6 and start seeing real development.

Level 5 – Aiming for the Wrong Target

If we’re going to get better, we have to accurately define what we’re trying to improve. In my experience, leadership is most commonly and broadly thought of as “getting stuff done.” This definition may bring you results in the short-term, but eventually it falls apart.

“Everyone already knows you have the title; reminding them won’t help you.”

This is where I lean on one of my favorite Peter Drucker quotes: “The function of leadership is to create more leaders, not more followers.” The role of the leader is to cultivate an environment where the team members …

1. Are intrinsically motivated to perform on their own initiative

2. Have the autonomy to make decisions about their work

3. Are equipped to make good decisions

4. Collaborate together, creating synergy instead of competition

5. Equip others in a similar approach (to build leadership capacity in the organization)

Defining leadership as getting stuff done is the ultimate myopic approach to leadership because it puts the focus on you (your performance and ability to control) instead of where it should be: on the team.

If you want to move beyond this short-sighted approach (see David Marquet’s Turn the Ship Around for a great resource), then change your definition and you’ll be ready to move to Level 6.

Level 6 – Success

Most leaders are in their roles because they’ve had some level of success. But often this success is the result of natural characteristics (e.g. personality, work ethic, intelligence, experience, wit, etc.). While these can contribute to leadership effectiveness, they usually aren’t the product of intentional cultivation. This creates a couple of issues:

1. It’s easy to over-rely on these characteristics, creating an imbalance in our leadership behaviors.

2. Success often removes the urgency to get better, creating a don’t-fix-what’s-not-broke mentality.

Both of these together cause us to plateau in our leadership effectiveness. Recognizing that effectiveness comes from moving beyond past successes to hone our leadership craft, we’re finally in a position to see what’s on Level 7.

“The function of leadership is to create more leaders, not more followers.”

— Peter Drucker

Level 7 – Blind Spots

Every leader has blind spots. A minority of leaders actually seek them out and expose them. Make no mistake: You can’t fix what you can’t see.

Blind spots are what the Harrison Behavioral Assessment calls “derailers.” They often come from an over-reliance upon a certain behavior trait that’s assumed to be a strength.

The Harrison Assessment’s use of paradoxical leadership behaviors reveals how this works. For example, one of the Harrison’s 12 paradox traits is Respectful Candor, a pairing of the traits of Frankness and Diplomacy. Because these traits appear to be opposites, it’s easy to default to either Frankness (“telling it like it is”) or Diplomacy (“being politically savvy”). Doing so overuses one trait at the exclusion of the other, creating an out-of-balance behavioral blind spot.

When this blind spot is revealed we see that being both frank AND diplomatic is a higher-order leadership behavior. That assumes, of course, that we are prepared to look for it.

Exposing our blind spots reveals leadership potential we didn’t know existed. This gives us the courage to move to the next level, where we gain awareness of what’s behind many of our limiting behaviors.

Level 8 – Fear

Level 8 houses the stuff that few leaders are willing to admit: fears. Obviously, leaders need to be careful talking about fear. Mishandled and haphazardly exposed, fear can be cancerous to a team’s effectiveness. But leaving fear unaddressed and unrecognized is just as dangerous, and it will ultimately reveal itself in destructive ways when we least expect it.

Some of the blind-spot biases we dealt with in Level 7 are sourced in fear. Things like fear of how others will perceive us or the of loss of relationship. Some fear the loss of control. For those leaders who have a competitive bent, the source of their competitive behaviors is often fear-based. It’s not uncommon in my coaching experience to have leaders admit to being afraid of failure or the loss of status. Some fear that they don’t measure up to expectations.

The goal of development is to maintain leadership effectiveness while shifting away from fear-driven motivations. As Jack Canfield says, “Everything you want is on the other side of fear.” Once we get on the other side of fear, we’re ready to move up to Level 9.

“Everything you want is on the other side of fear.”

— Jack Canfield

Level 9 – Ourselves

Getting to Level 9 requires not so much hard work as it does brave work. Level 9 is all about our character, which means using a mirror to accurately see the issues that most profoundly shape our leadership as a legacy. This includes things like pride, self-interest, consumerism, etc. Training through these issues moves us from being expedient and opportunistic as leaders to being truly impactful.

We must be willing to change ourselves. This usually requires additional outside perspective (an accountable peer, coach or mentor). It must also be paired with an internal conviction to do the right thing, purposefully, for the sake of others’ best interests, all the time—especially when everyone else chooses not to.

Once you can commit to leading out of character, you’re at last in a position to elevate to Level 10.

Level 10 – Identity

Are you the leader you want to be? I don’t mean your performance, I mean your identity: Who you are. It may be tricky to separate identity from performance, but you’ll need to in order to navigate this Level.

Performance, after all, is an external, situationally-dependent outcome. Identity is … you, who you are as a living soul. The two couldn’t be more different. Behavior (i.e. performance) is an outflow of our identity, not the source of it. Identifying yourself by your performance means you’ll never be the same person one day to the next—which is nonsense.

“Behavior (i.e. performance) is an outflow of our identity, not the source of it.”

Leaders who get to this level sometimes say, “This is complicated.” Actually, it’s not … in fact, it’s pretty simple. But it does take courage. Because when you’ve identified yourself by your performance all your life, to make a sudden shift in identity means you’re stepping into the unknown: You’ve haven’t really been you yet.

Making this change opens up whole new possibilities you never knew existed. Fear goes way down. Concern for others and for timeless values goes way up. You don’t worry about yourself nearly as much because you’re thinking more about everyone else. You’ll stop chasing situational success and be free to engage more with purpose than self-preservation and self-interests. Knowing your identity lets you become an authentic servant leader.

Want to Know Your Identity and Live Your True Purpose?

3 Reasons Why Your Past Identity Doesn’t Determine Your Future Identity

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When it comes to defining leadership identity, our default is to look back to who we’ve been in the past as a starting point. This is natural, but is actually incredibly limiting, handcuffing our ability to make any forward progress on stepping into the leader we can be.

For example, our self-perception might be negative because of an important influence in our past, like a significant failure, a traumatic event, negative comments from an influential person in our lives, an addictive pattern or simply not living up to our own personal expectations. Even if our self-perception is positive, it can have detrimental impacts if this becomes our primary identity. There are many people who have based their identity around their success in a previous role, only to be thrust into a significantly different role and create uncertainty about who they’re supposed to be.

I see this backward-first tendency frequently in my coaching sessions when working through the results from the Harrison Behavioral Assessment, which provides data-driven insight into how we set ourselves up for trouble when we base our identity on our self-perception from the past. Ultimately, our past identity shapes our ability to accept ourselves, or in the terminology of the Harrison Assessment, we struggle to like ourselves and accept that “I’m okay the way I am.”

A Real Life Example

The image below is a Self-Actualization graph from the Harrison Assessment (one of the 12 Paradox Behavior graphs used in the Harrison) of a coaching client. This client had a number of influences that drove him particularly hard to excel in life. As a result, my client developed a life-long pattern of rigorous self-improvement behaviors, always trying to get better and be successful.

But his pursuit of perfection was unknowingly inspired by a belief that he didn’t quite measure up. His self-critical behaviors were often interpreted positively as “setting a high bar for himself.” Yet the warning signs are also present. As the graph indicates (see the red “storm” symbol), under stress his behaviors would flip from being self-critical to being defensive. This showed up as outbursts of anger, blaming, frustration and sudden shifts in goals and strategies.

“We struggle to like ourselves and accept that ‘I’m okay the way I am.’”

This graph reveals that his intense developmental efforts—and all the success and recognition they brought—disguised his primary motivation: to overcome a negative self-perception. The more he was esteemed for his self-improvement and rewarded for his success, the more entrenched his false identity became.

Freedom came in realizing he wasn’t who he’d been all his life. He has since become grounded in the truth that his identity is defined by who he is now and who he ultimately wants to be, not who he has been. He’s much more content, comfortable with himself and with others, and rarely has the outbursts that previously were commonplace.

“The more he was esteemed for his self-improvement and rewarded for his success, the more entrenched his false identity became.”

Backward Referencing

We have the tendency to simply accept our self-perception from the past as a permanent reality, whether positive or negative. I call this Backward Referencing: the process of using who we were in our past to define our current identity. Here are three reasons why Backward Referencing your past identity doesn’t work.

1. Who you are and who you want to be is a willful decision, not a prescribed, predetermined or fixed reality. It’s not what your environment has told you. It’s not what other people have said about you. It’s not the roles you’ve played and your performance in those roles. It’s not the emotions you’re harboring (Note: our emotions are important, and we should pay attention to them—but they don’t define us). You are not the experiences you’ve lived through in the past.

YOU decide who you want to be. This is simultaneously the most obvious and yet most elusive of truths about our identity. It is liberating and empowering when you accept it; it is also sobering, as you realize your identity is your responsibility to manage. Once you are aware of this truth, everything becomes simpler.

“YOU decide who you want to be.”

2. It’s impossible to define your identity by avoiding who you don’t want to be. You don’t get humility by trying not to be prideful. You don’t get to peace by trying not to be anxious. You don’t get strength by trying to avoid weakness.

This is true for doing anything in life. Hitting a baseball, for example: You can’t consistently hit a baseball when your approach is to avoid striking out. Neither can you hit a baseball today just because you hit well yesterday. You can’t be who you are uniquely created to be in the present—much less in the future—if your point of reference is who you were in the past.

3. Who you are is a developing reality. In Are You Who You Want to Be, I reveal that modern psychology has recently been utilizing the concept of narrative identity. It’s classified as “narrative” because our self-conception is a story in-process. Dr. Dan P. McAdams, Professor of Human Development and Social Policy at Northwestern University, defines narrative identity as “a life story—an internalized narrative integration of past, present, and anticipated future which provides lives with a sense of unity and purpose.” In this view, our identity is continuously evolving as we go through life, and each of us is forming our identities as we interact with each other.

“It’s impossible to define your identity by avoiding who you don’t want to be.”

Forward Referencing

When we reframe identity as a present and evolving narrative that we’re writing as we live each day, it becomes readily apparent that Backward Referencing is only useful for gaining perspective and learning wisdom. Most of our effort should be directed toward Forward Referencing: Focusing on the ideal identity of who we want to be. This aspirational perspective moves us quickly into an Inside-Out approach toward discovering and living out our identity. It motivates us toward our unique purpose, toward change and ultimately toward how we can best influence our world for the better and serve others’ interests.

Elements like faith and beliefs powerfully shape our ideal identity. For me, as a person of faith and follower of Jesus, this ideal identity is informed by how the Bible describes us: God’s children, deeply loved and uniquely created to be just who he designed us to be. His intent is that we become like Jesus in character and behavior. If you are not a person of faith, then center on the timeless truths, character qualities and core values to help shape your ideal identity. This ideal identity is the compass we align our lives with.

“Create your future from your future, not your past.”

— Werner Erhard

If you constantly compare yourself to who you’ve been in the past, the best you can possibly hope to be is some rehashed version of who you’ve been in the past.

Looking back is helpful for reflection. But you can’t drive forward by keeping your eyes on the rear-view mirror. Ultimately, you create your future from your future, not your past. Unless, of course, you choose to create your future from your past. But that’s a choice.

Want to Know Your Identity and Live Your True Purpose?

Building Your Leadership Identity From the Inside-Out

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One Fall, when our kids were young, we got some caramel apples at a school fundraiser. Sometime later, my son Brennan (who was about eight at the time) was foraging for snacks and found the last one in the back of a kitchen cabinet (of all places). Of course, when kids find caramel apples in a cabinet they aren’t concerned that perhaps they should have been in the refrigerator. They also don’t bring up the good news with Mom because they’d have to share it with their siblings.

The caramel coating on Brennan’s discovery was in fine condition. Sadly, the apple was not, and it actually fell off the stick when he picked it up—a warning sign that somehow escaped his attention. Undeterred, he chomped into it and immediately realized his treat had turned into a trick.

The Portal, and the Chase

This event turned on a light bulb for me. I suddenly realized that I’d spent my life trying to define myself by my “caramel coating”: who I was on the outside—DO, in order to BE. I saw a life-long pattern of depending on my environment and my achievements to confirm who I was. So …

• When I succeeded, I was a success.

• When I had a good job, I was reputable.

• When I had friends, I was a good guy.

• When my life was in order, I was purposeful.

• When people responded to me, I was influential.

And when negative outcomes happened, it all shifted. I wasn’t sure who I was anymore; I felt frustrated, unfulfilled, anxious and insecure.

Can you relate?

“I’d spent my life trying to define myself by who I was on the outside—DO, in order to BE.”

I saw how I’d been chasing after an identity that I’d never be able to catch, because it didn’t exist out there. I realized that identity is who we are on the inside—before and beyond what’s happening in the moment on the outside. I needed to start on the inside.

Inside-Out vs. Outside-In

After a season of reflection and increased self-awareness, here’s what I came to: Instead of an Outside-In approach (letting my circumstances and performance confirm my identity), I started leaning on an Inside-Out approach that based on several key factors:

• Confirming a unique, ideal identity that I aspired to be—independent from my circumstance and what was happening in my environment.

• Allowing this identity to begin shaping a purpose beyond my own self-interests.

• Start creating goals and plans that aligned with my identity and purpose.

• Consider the various roles I was playing to determine my best fit, level of involvement and collaboration approach with others.

The first step was the most difficult, because I had no idea who the ideal “me” should be. It will be different for each person, but for me faith played a significant role. As a follower of Jesus, I leaned heavily on the biblical teaching that God intends for each person who puts their faith in him to become like Jesus. So Jesus’ character, teaching and habits became a clear pattern for me to follow.

“I had no idea who the ideal ‘me’ should be.”

If faith isn’t a part of your life, you can use other things like the timeless truths, character qualities and values that are foundational for you. In doing so, I encourage you to avoid causes and issues (like, say, climate change or gender equality), and instead look for the core values that make the causes or issues compelling for you.

Here’s how I illustrated the difference between Outside-In and Inside-Out:

Detoxing

The concept of living Inside-Out is simple. The execution is challenging, mainly because we’ve got a lifetime of bad habits that keep us firmly planted in the Outside-In approach.

In that sense, abandoning Outside-In in favor of Inside-Out may feel more like a detox process than an action step at the beginning. But it’s important to get the bad stuff out of the way before we can truly make progress.

“Abandoning Outside-In in favor of Inside-Out may feel more like a detox process than an action step.”

Here are a few important detox steps:

1. Embrace the Truth That You Are Unique, Valued and You Have a Unique Purpose In Life.  I covered this in my last blog post, so I’ll keep this one brief. The important thing to remember is that in operating Outside-In, we inevitably compare ourselves to others—which ultimately compromises our ability to operate from our own identity. We can respect others and even follow their examples, but we will be best at being who we are. Accept that being you is a good thing, and is the best thing for you.

2. Reject the Lie (And the Habits That Go With It) That “We Are What We Do.”  It sounds like an empowering and motivating mantra, but it is, deceptively and dangerously, wrong. It’s a trap, and is a house-of-cards idea that doesn’t stand up to the slightest breeze of common sense. Think about it:

• Why would we base our identity on fleeting things like circumstantial outcomes, events beyond our control or the actions of imperfect people?

• If I’m using you to help define my identity, it makes it hard to authentically relate to you. Unchecked, this can drift into co-dependency as my motives become selfish. How can I genuinely serve you if I simultaneously need something from you?

• Why would we want to define ourselves by what other people think of us—especially those who wouldn’t be our advocate?

• Does it make sense to identify ourselves based on how we “perform?” What does that say about us when we fail? What about those who can’t “perform” … do they have no value? What would our world look like if we operated that way?

• Why would we want to live “experimentally” in order to “find ourselves?” Who wants to dedicate their life to that?

• What part of being one person on the outside and another person on the inside sounds even remotely wholesome? It sounds like what it is: Chaos.

“What would our world look like if we operated that way?”

3. Believe That Your Identity Isn’t Yet Fully Written.  In other words, I can be who I want to be while I’m becoming who I want to be. It’s not hypocritical double-talk, it’s simply recognizing that I’m on the journey to be who I’m striving to be. I’m working on becoming the best version of me I possibly can.

The Intervention

The detox steps are important, but they aren’t enough to fully disrupt the default Outside-in process. These 3 interventions will help you turn away from Outside-In and embrace Inside-Out.

1. Change.  You must identify what parts of your old identity need to change. You’ll need self-awareness, clarity and a healthy dose of courage … and maybe a trusted friend.

2. Trust.  Stepping into an identity you’ve never embraced before is a step of faith. It requires a belief in the process, and in the ideal identity you’re committing to become. You aren’t there yet, but you’re on the way. We’re always becoming who we want to be. Don’t get stuck over the fact that you’re not there yet.

3. Practice.  Geoff Colvin’s idea of Deliberate Practice (in his book Talent Is Overrated) gets to the picture here. Being who you want to be won’t just happen. You have to continue to lean into uncomfortable and challenging areas of your life and practice your new identity.

The Change-Trust-Practice intervention steps become regular (often daily) rhythmic action steps that keep you on the path to who you want to be. Without them, you will drift back to the old habits of depending on other people, events and circumstances to tell you who you are.

With them, you will be able to continue the adventure of seeing yourself change into the person you want to be—challenging though it may be. And as you continually refine your understanding of who you are, your purpose becomes imminently more clear.

“Stepping into an identity you’ve never embraced before is a step of faith.”

Take a Deeper Dive Into
Living Your Identity
From the Inside-Out

Discover the Power Behind Your Unique Leadership Identity

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The topic of leadership identity is a growing conversation, and thankfully so. There are a number of books articles from reputable sources hitting on leadership and identity. While more conversation is welcomed, I’m seeing a general pattern that bears highlighting.

Most approaches toward discovering leadership identity offer a method-based approach: Do these steps or act this way to define your leadership identity. I get it, methodology is practical and helpful. And we’re so wired for implementation that we crave for a list of hacks to put into practice.

But while these may seem to be practical and helpful approaches, they still beg a huge question: If we can discover our leadership identity by doing more stuff, wouldn’t we (by this point in human history) have figured out a list of things to do by now? How confident can we really be that these new steps are THE steps to take?

“We’re so wired for implementation that we crave for a list of hacks to put into practice.”

Outside-In

This method-based approach is what I call Outside-In. It’s the belief that if I manage my external activity then my internal identity will take care of itself. I’ll unpack Outside-In more fully in my next blog post, but for now let me summarize by saying it’s a set up for frustration. The Outside-In approach is faulty because the premise it’s based on is backwards. What we do doesn’t shape who we are. Instead, the opposite is true: Who we are shapes what we do.

So how do we discover our leadership identity, if not by what we do? Well, you should start with … you.

“Who we are shapes what we do.”

Start With You

In my last blog, I suggested beginning with a question: Are you who you want to be? (previous blog post). This question, of course, EXPOSES the issue for what it is: We DON’T know who we are.

But not knowing who you are isn’t a problem, it’s an opportunity. And instead of trying to solve the identity puzzle with Outside-In activity, solve it with an intuitive conviction based on a foundational, self-evident truth: You are the only you that will ever exist in human history.

Let that sink in for a moment.

There are 8 billion people on the planet today, and not a single one of them is like you. There have been an estimated 109 billion that lived on earth before us, and each of them were as unique as you are. Even if you have an identical twin that shares your exact DNA, you will be unique from him/her.

Younique. That’s the self-evident truth

“You are the only you that will ever exist in human history.”

The intuitive conviction flows out of this truth. Being unique means that there is a “skin” in which you and only you will be comfortable living in. In other words, there is a life to be lived in which your soul organically and naturally flows. You are able to be you, then work on being the best you possible in the leadership opportunities you find yourself in.

And when you’re content with being you, you don’t need anything from anyone else. You don’t need accolades, recognition or followers. You’re able to offer all your skills, talent, experience and competencies, and do it in a way that genuinely serves others.

This truth of your uniqueness and the conviction that follows it may sound trivial, but without them…

• You try to be someone you’re not

• You compare yourself to other people

• You cover up for insecurities—many of which you aren’t even aware of

• You operate out of fear

• You identify yourself by your performance

• You measure your value on what other people think of you

• You equate your value with your performance

• You struggle to see your blind spots, and so you have low self-awareness

• Your actions have a tinge of self-interest and self-protection—

• You will struggle to collaborate fully because you will find other people threatening

• You will bounce from one situation to another in search of purpose and fulfillment

None of these contribute to making you an effective leader. In fact, they undermine your ability and competency to lead.

“Being unique means that there is a ‘skin’ in which you and only you will be comfortable living in.”

Where To Begin

There will be action steps to take, which I’ll unpack in further blog posts. But for now, the first step to take is the most important one: Embrace the truth that you are unique, and with that uniqueness comes value. Being you is the best possible identity for you to live out.

You can’t define your leadership identity until you define your human identity. As Warren Bennis said, “Becoming a leader is synonymous with becoming yourself. It is precisely that simple. And it is also that difficult.”

It will be a process—actually, a life-long process—and it will be a challenge. But the rewards will be far greater than if you avoid the journey altogether. You’ll be more effective as a leader, and much more fulfilled and gratified.

“You can’t define your leadership identity until you define your human identity.”

Dig Deeper Into Discovering Your Identity

Why “Who Am I?” Is the Most Important Leadership Question Ever

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How do you respond to the question, "Who am I?"

I know what you might be thinking. Seriously? "Who am I" is THE most important question ever?!?

Let me assure you: If you want to be effective in life and leadership, you owe it to yourself to walk this question out. Identity—who you think you are, who you could be or should be—drives everything you do and how you do it.

Our usual response to "Who am I?" is to describe what we do. This includes the roles we play, our achievements or pastimes ... you know, the answers to the "so-tell-me-about-yourself" question. Of course, we know that what we do doesn't really describe who we are. But to go much deeper than that in casual conversation would be awkward and uber-transparent, so we stay conveniently surfacy.

Convenient, because most of us wouldn't know what to say, anyway.

“If you want to be effective in life and leadership, you owe it to yourself to walk this question out.”

A Follow-Up Question

Asking "Who am I?" unlocks another powerful question that we should consider: "Am I who I want to be?"

It's bigger because it introduces some important and inescapable elements. Let’s walk through them…

1) Purpose or calling. This second question exposes a conviction that there's a reason we're alive. We don't know how we know it, but we know we are more than just a consequence of our birth parents' co-involvement in sexual intercourse.

2) Quality or relative measurement. ”Am I who I want to be?” assumes (or maybe presumes?) that we can evaluate our identity according to some kind of standard. In other words, I get a sense that I may not be living up to expectations. And, as long as we're wading into the conversation, exactly who's expectations are we sensing? Our own? Someone else's? God's? The universe's?  

And even if we can't figure that out, the question of being who we want to be—which our gut tells us is inescapably relevant—presupposes that there's a confirmed way to know.

“...we know we are more than just a consequence of our birth parents’ co-involvement in sexual intercourse.”

3) Aspiration. The word "want" is perhaps the most prominent word in the question. It reveals a longing that we are sometimes aware of in the quiet, desperate, joyful or sentimental moments in life.

When we allow ourselves the freedom—or the courage—to dream and envision ourselves being aligned with 1) our purpose and calling, and 2) our unique design, we have an assurance that’s hard to justify or explain, a desire for fulfillment that goes much deeper than just a consumeristic craving. It motivates us to change, to abandon the stuff of life we now sense is temporal and trendy and to pursue the deeper values and truths that support this deep “want.”

“...we have an assurance that’s hard to justify or explain, a desire for fulfillment that goes much deeper than a consumeristic craving.”

So … Are You Who You Want To Be?

Though we may not feel comfortable answering “yes” to that question, we want to be able to answer with a yes. Considering the question reveals an ideal identity that each of us is destined for. It exposes a gap between who we are now and who we could be, and that gap reveals our life’s purpose, a calling intended specifically for us.

Ironically, even though we’re not there yet, knowing who we want to be brings clarity, confidence and faith. We’re on the path to becoming who we want to be. And simply knowing we’re on the right path allows us to respond with a “yes,” though technically it’s more of a “yes, and not yet.”

The longing to know who we are and the hope that we can actually be who we want to be is evidence to follow. Your unique identity is out there waiting to be discovered. It is the compass that directs our conscience and intuition. It is the foundation on which our values, principles, relationships and beliefs are built upon. All these act as guides for the behaviors, strategies, goals and commitments we make in life. We know what to do.

“Identity is the foundation on which our values, principles, relationships and beliefs are built upon.”

What To Do With All This?

At the risk of sounding impractical, the first thing to do is assess what you need to STOP doing. Our tendency is to experiment with the stuff of life (hobbies, relationships, cars, clothes, diet, entertainment, etc.) in the hopes we’ll catch lightning in a bottle and find something that unlocks the secret to our ideal identity. But more experimentation only clouds the issue.

Instead, STOP “doing” long enough to reflect. Of course, stopping breeds fear because doing something at least gives us a sense that we’re in control. But it’s a false sense of control; a virtual reality.

This is where courage comes in. Be brave enough to face the journey in front of you. Take time to reflect on the foundational things in your life, things you know to be true. The process will be different for each of us, but let me offer a few suggestions that might prove helpful.

• Explore things like truth, core beliefs, values, relationships, etc.

• Steer away from situational or fleeting things like money, approval, status, material things, etc.

• Consider things that will promote a communal perspective beyond your own personal interests, and de-emphasize things that will elevate your importance above others.

• If you’re a person of faith, this is where the core elements of your belief system will come into play.

• Think “legacy” … what will outlast your lifespan?

• Expect this to take some time. This is the psychological equivalent to wine-making: It will take some time to ferment and sweeten. Don’t be alarmed if it doesn’t all download in an instant. You may get some initial clarity, but chances are even that clarity will mature as you continue to reflect. Have courage.

Resources

For those with a Christian faith orientation, I’ve created a downloadable Identity Mapping Process that uses a biblical framework to convey the truth (as I understand it) that God has destined each of us to be a unique reflection of Jesus in our life-space. As such, Jesus is the ideal identity we are seeking after.

Of course, I also encourage you to pick up a copy of Are You Who You Want to Be: How Knowing Your Identity Lets You Live Your True Purpose. It’s available in print, e-book and audio version. You can also get The Field Guide to Are You Who You Want to Be, a step-by-step workbook to explore as a study guide either individually or with a group.

The scariest part is simply to begin. As one who has gone through this process and found freedom and confidence on the other side, I encourage you to muster up the courage to take the first step. You’ll be glad you did!

“The scariest part is simply to begin.”

Being Productive May Be Making You Ineffective

You know that feeling: when there’s more to do than time to do it? And you wake up after your most productive day ever, realizing you have to repeat the effort just to keep up?

One outcome of a marketplace that idolizes productivity is that productivity becomes our metric for success. We get pushed outside of attentive effort, trying to do more in less time—which is ultimately unsustainable, and exasperating.

We end up like a hamster.

In a wheel.

Furiously going nowhere fast.

Operating inattentively, outside of flow, distracts us into mistaking activity for achievement, and productivity for effectiveness.

“We get pushed outside of attentive effort, trying to do more in less time—which is ultimately unsustainable, and exasperating.”

And Your Point Is...?

If your approach to your work is to excel at managing your to-do’s, there’s a good chance you’re excelling at the wrong things.

So What?

Instead of starting with what needs to get done, start with how you get things done. I describe this as “calendaring energy.” In other words, set aside the time in your calendar that you work most effectively, then prioritize the work that goes in those calendar slots.

Personally, I’m most clear-headed in the early morning. So that’s when I focus on tasks requiring creativity or critical thinking. As the day goes on I focus on execution-oriented tasks, finally finishing with admin or tasks that require very little creative energy. By dinner time, my energy tank is usually empty.

“If your approach to your work is to excel at managing your to-do’s, there’s a good chance you’re excelling at the wrong things.”

Knowing I have specific windows in which to accomplish my priorities makes the choice of tasks—and how I do them—extremely important. It makes it easier to say no to things I previously said yes to, and I’m more aware of inefficiencies in my approach to work.

Obviously, your mileage will vary with a different environment (kids, fluid work conditions, non-traditional working hours, commuting, etc.). If you’re a night person, your energy levels may be opposite from mine.

Even so, I’m confident you can still find ways to work energy-first from your calendar.

“Instead of starting with what needs to get done, start with how you get things done”

The Big Picture

Ultimately, the prize doesn’t go to the fastest hamster. It goes to the one who’s most effective at leveraging their talents, gifting and experience to the fullest—in a way that aligns with their purpose and calling.

Your Next Step

My advice: Just begin. Start small, be patient and see what happens.

Here’s a longer article on this topic at Medium.com, or you can download a pdf.

“Ultimately, the prize doesn’t go to the fastest hamster.”

Need some practical help on this?

Here’s a resource I’ve found that supports calendaring your energy:

We Are Not What We Do

I see/hear this quote often:

“The difference
between
who you are
and
who you want to be
is
what you do.”

Sounds motivating, doesn’t it?

But what if I told you that this quote could be 180 degrees opposite from the truth, and lead to frustration, a lack of fulfillment and desperation—if not outright disaster?

And Your Point Is…?

We don’t BECOME what we DO.

We DO what we’ve BECOME.

So What?

It all hinges on how you interpret “…what you do.”

If we fall into the trap of believing we need to DO certain things IN ORDER to become who we want to be, then our approach to our identity is Outside-In. Ultimately, we end up depending on things in our environment to define who we are (relationships, achievement, circumstances, etc.). Our identity becomes based on “performance.” At best, we’ll only be a better version of who we’ve always been. It’s a recipe for disaster.

“At best, we’ll only be a better version of who we’ve always been.”

An alternative interpretation is more helpful: We DO certain things BECAUSE we are who we want to be, then we purpose ourselves to live accordingly. This approach is Inside-Out. It starts with an identity of the person we want to be—even if we’re not perfectly fulfilling it yet. With our identity clearly defined, we then set goals, influence our circumstances and practice behaviors that align with who we want to be.

“…we then set goals, influence our circumstances and practice behaviors that align with who we want to be.”

This inside-out approach is the essence of my upcoming book, Are You who You Want to Be: How Knowing Your Identity Lets You Live Your True Purpose. It’s not abstract psychological theory, it’s a practical solution that reveals the truth about who you want to be, the surprising simplicity of discovering it, how faith informs that identity and the challenges of living out the identity you were made for.

The Big Picture

“Who am I?” is one of humanity’s most compelling questions. Depending on other people and your environment to define you is a hopeless way to discover who you want to be.

“We don’t BECOME what we DO. We DO what we’ve BECOME.”

Your Next Step

To get more insight on discovering that person you truly want to be, go to AreYouWhoYouWantToBe.com. You’ll find out more about the book and purchase it if you think it’s for you.